Letting Go of Anger at Someone You Still See Every Day
Quick Answer
Letting go of anger toward someone you see daily can be difficult when you are faced with the person day in and day out. If rumination interferes with your mental health when confronted with them, utilizing coping strategies such as calming your body, recognizing your repetitive thought patterns, and making empowering choices can be more effective than hoping for a different outcome from someone who won't change.
Forgiveness isn't always the best choice for someone who is repeatedly harmed in a relationship. In a 2022 Reddit thread for adult children of narcissistic parents, one poster wrote that they "did everything my parents wanted to do and it still wasn't enough." Their father's behavior did not change. This article explores ways to cope, even if the other person never changes.
Struggling with anger toward someone you see daily can push you to your limit. If you are experiencing this, it's best not to shut your feelings off and to meet them with compassion. Recent health guidance describes the work as learning to recognize anger and redirect it before it escalates. That matters more when the trigger walks back into the room tomorrow.
Some might advise you to stuff it down in order to keep the peace or remain professional. That type of advice can lead to a blow up or forgiveness, only to be let down yet again. Neither fits when the person who hurt you sits two desks over, hosts every holiday, or shares a parenting schedule with you.
Forgiveness offered too early can even backfire. In a 2022 Reddit thread for adult children of narcissistic parents, one poster who had forgiven their father described what happened next: "Even when I did forgive him, I still felt the same. The only difference was, I wasn't allowing myself to feel those emotions, I ignored them." Forgiveness that skips the feelings may leave the replay running underneath, quieter but no weaker.
The stakes are not only emotional. In 2015, researchers reviewing clinical studies noted that anger is common among people with depression and anxiety, and that it tracks with how severe depressive episodes become. I read that as a reason to take daily anger seriously long before it feels like a crisis.
As you read, keep one person in mind and ask yourself which moment from your last encounter comes back to you most often, and at what time of day.
How do I stop being angry at someone I can't avoid? When the person is a coworker, a parent or an ex, the work moves away from distance and toward the replay, the habit of going back over the injury again and again long after they have left the room.
Clinicians call that habit rumination. Rumination means repeatedly replaying a hurt, and what caused it, in your mind. You are far from alone in this. In 2015, an analysis of a national U.S. survey of 34,653 adults found problem anger especially common among men and younger adults, and linked it with decreased psychosocial functioning, meaning more strain in daily life and relationships. In 2025, a hospital health report found that 30% of people said they had trouble controlling their anger.
Going quiet is not always effective either. In a 2022 thread on Reddit's r/PsychologicalTricks, one poster described ignoring difficult coworkers until those coworkers began to dislike the silence, and then wrote: "I'm afraid to explode one day and want to prevent it."
That fear deserves respect. A useful first question to ask yourself is whether your own silence is protecting you or only postponing the moment you are afraid of.
Why does seeing them set off the anger all over again?
Anger is a body response before it is a thought, so each encounter with the person who hurt you can restart that response before you have time to reason with it.
In 2025, Houston Methodist cited a report finding that the average adult felt anger approximately 14 times per week. A flare when this person walks in is common. When it happens, these steps can help you sort out what is going on:
- Notice the first body signal, such as a racing heart, faster breathing, flushed skin or clenched fists.
- Ask whether you were already tense before they arrived, from lack of sleep, a high-pressure job or a hard week.
- Name, in one short sentence, the old injury this moment brought back.
- Wait until those signals ease before you answer, if the setting allows it.
Dr. Xiaolei Chen, a primary care doctor at that health system, describes anger as having three layers: physiological, cognitive and behavioral. The amygdala generates the emotional surge, and the prefrontal cortex, the brain's decision-making center, helps regulate it. In the short term the body releases catecholamines, which are neurotransmitters involved in the fight or flight response. Under chronic stress, cortisol, the body's primary stress hormone, stays elevated and amplifies anger's physical effects.
Better Health Channel, a Victorian government health site, notes that anger triggers the same fight or flight response set off by fear, excitement and anxiety. Adrenaline and cortisol are released, blood is shunted from the gut to the muscles, and heart rate, blood pressure and breathing all rise. The site puts the daily version plainly: "If you don't resolve an argument with a person you see often, it can be a very uncomfortable experience."
The common assumption is that a sudden flare means a fresh offense. Often it means your system was already running hot. When you share a desk, a holiday table or a custody handoff with someone, your body may never fully stand down between meetings.
Anger also carries physical risk. A systematic review published in 2014, which pooled studies of nearly 4,000 participants from more than 50 U.S. medical centers, found a more than twofold increase in heart attacks within two hours after an anger outburst, and the link grew stronger as anger grew more intense. That is an association, not proof that anger alone caused those heart attacks; however, the correlation it alludes to seems significant.
Three health sources reviewed here, a government health site, a hospital system and a heart review, describe the same chain of events: a trigger, a hormone surge, and a physiological reaction. That reaction is a natural response to a triggering event, and triggers are something you can learn to work with.
In my view, a more useful question than Why am I still this angry? is What is my body bracing for? One way to find out is to jot down, right after your next encounter, the first body signal you noticed and what you were bracing for in that moment.
If you would like help untangling which of these layers drives your reactions, our team offers free consultations so you can decide whether we are a good therapeutic match. If sitting across from a therapist feels like a lot right now, you can also read about our walk and talk therapy in Frisco.
What does the anger cost you when you can't avoid them?
One worker on Reddit had settled on a way to cope with difficult coworkers: say as little as possible.
"I usually ignore them and only talk when necessary," the poster wrote in 2022. As some coworkers began to dislike the silence, the poster added, "I'm afraid to explode one day and want to prevent it." One post proves nothing about anyone else, but it captures the two pulls here: holding anger in or letting it out. The research we read looks elsewhere, at how often anger switches on, how hard it hits and how long it stays.
Raymond Chip Tafrate, a clinical psychologist and professor at Central Connecticut State University, draws the line there. As Everyday Health reported, he says anger becomes a problem for health and well-being when the experiences "are too frequent, too intense, last too long, or are out of proportion to the triggering event."
Intensity shows the strongest link. In the 2014 heart review that Everyday Health summarized, discussed above, the link between outbursts and heart attacks grew stronger as anger grew more intense. Frequency and duration surface somewhere quieter: a 2005 study of middle-aged Korean men and women tied moderate-to-high anger to a 40% to 70% higher risk of sleep disturbances, such as trouble falling or staying asleep. Both findings report on correlation instead of causation and therefore cannot prove anger caused the harm.
Staying quiet around a coworker, parent or ex can seem safer. However, the Better Health Channel, a Victorian government health site in Australia, warns that "bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety," and that some people later vent it "at innocent parties, such as children or pets." Uncontrolled anger carries its own costs, from arguments and physical fights to assault and self-harm. The site even names your situation: "If you don't resolve an argument with a person you see often, it can be a very uncomfortable experience."
| Pattern | What it can look like | What our sources link it to |
|---|---|---|
| Holding it in | Going quiet, talking only when necessary, letting resentment build | Depression, anxiety, anger vented on innocent parties (Better Health Channel) |
| Letting it explode | Outbursts, shouting, losing control | Arguments and fights (Better Health Channel); heart attacks soon after (2014 review) |
| Staying switched on | Anger that returns often or lingers long after the encounter | Sleep disturbances (2005 study) and "a heightened state of tension" (Medicana Health Group) |
Why would anger keep running after the person has gone? On the Religion on the Mind podcast in 2021, a guest trained in clinical psychology described anger's thinking side as a judgment that something went wrong and someone is to blame. In the guest's example, someone slams into you in a hallway, you turn and see crutches, and the anger disappears. The host added that the body's arousal can stay even after the blame is gone. Neither offered this as a study, but it fits what health sources say about anger that keeps the body on alert.
"The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that go with ongoing unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body."
Better Health Channel, Victorian government health site, page reviewed 2019
How can you tell when anger has crossed a line? Psychiatric researchers at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute drew one in a national survey. Among 34,653 U.S. adults interviewed in 2004 and 2005, 7.8% reported "inappropriate, intense, or poorly controlled anger," counted only when it troubled them or caused problems at work, at school, or with family or other people. Anger at that level correlated with poorer day-to-day functioning and with adverse events in childhood and adulthood.
These sources describe the risks of clinically significant anger, and they link unresolved, repeated anger to physical and mental health problems. What stays within your reach is managing the emotions between one encounter and the next by interrupting the rumination cycle, which seems like a reasonable place to begin.
What you can try before the next encounter
- After your next encounter, note when the anger started and when your body settled, much like the anger diary the Better Health Channel suggests.
- Watch your sleep after you see them. If those nights are restless, ask whether the anger is still running at bedtime.
- If your plan has been silence while resentment builds, consider a few middle options for someone you see often: talk it out, agree on a boundaried plan for interaction, or come up with a plan to see that person less. If the person might engage in violence, get support to stay away from them. That might mean talking to your employer or accessing local resources to stay out of the home or shared space.
- When anger lingers time and time again, help your body settle with exercise, meditation or yoga.
- Ask yourself the survey's question: does your anger trouble you or cause problems at work, at school, or with family or other people? If so, consider talking it through with a counselor.
How we checked this
We drew on a peer-reviewed national survey study, a government health information page, a health news article that summarizes heart and sleep research, a hospital group's health blog, a podcast featuring a guest trained in clinical psychology, and one Reddit post used only as an illustration. No figures in this section come from our own practice. We read the heart and sleep studies through Everyday Health's summary, not in the original papers, and both show associations, not cause. The survey data date from 2004 and 2005. The Better Health Channel page was last reviewed in 2019. Medicana Health Group promotes its own psychology services. We are a counseling practice, so we have a stake in readers seeking support. Still unknown: whether cutting the replay short between encounters lowers the heart and sleep risks. None of our sources tested that.
- Okuda M. et al., CNS Spectrums, national study of problem anger in U.S. adults, April 2015.
- Better Health Channel, how anger affects people, reviewed March 2019.
- Everyday Health, ways anger can harm your health, dated May 2015, summarizing a 2014 European Heart Journal review and a 2005 Journal of Psychosomatic Research study.
- Religion on the Mind podcast, episode on anger and forgiveness, November 2021, at 18:34 and 20:09.
- Medicana Health Group, hidden ways anger affects your health, April 2026.
- Reddit, r/PsychologicalTricks, post on anger at coworkers, July 2022.
Do you have to forgive them to stop being angry?
No. Forgiveness is one path, not a requirement, and when the other person keeps repeating the harm, acceptance may give you more peace, because it does not depend on their apology.
The pressure to forgive is often loudest inside families. A post on Reddit's r/raisedbynarcissists community, a support forum for adult children of narcissistic parents, observed that this pressure "is most often seen when one is harmed by family members," usually phrased as "You HAVE to Forgive them, it's your Mom/Dad/sister/etc...." When the person is a parent you still see at every holiday, that sentence can land as one more demand.
The same post drew a sharp line between two ideas. In its framing, real forgiveness asks three things of the person who caused harm: they "must realize that they have inflicted damage," they "must be truly repentant about it," and they must "make a genuine effort not to repeat that behavior." Acceptance asks nothing of them. The writer put it simply: "Acceptance doesn't require an apology that most of us will never get."
What happens when forgiveness comes first and the behavior does not change? One adult child, writing in an online support forum, described forgiving a father who later "began to do the very things that made me hate him." Looking back, the writer said: "Even when I did forgive him, I still felt the same. The only difference was, I wasn't allowing myself to feel those emotions, I ignored them."
That account is one person's, not a study. Still, it points to a possible risk. Forgiveness offered under pressure can become suppression with a kinder name. The anger can stay, and the replay keeps running underneath.
None of this means forgiveness is wrong. A clinical psychologist interviewed on a 2021 podcast about anger and forgiveness described forgiveness as something that takes time and unfolds over time. The same guest noted that some faith traditions tie forgiveness so closely to salvation that people can dig in and find it hard to consider other ideas. If your faith asks you to forgive, that belief deserves respect, not a lecture.
A different route sets the forgiveness question aside. Takura, who writes the Substack newsletter Random Thoughts with Takura, describes being asked, "How can you let that happen? Why aren't you angry? How can you just move on like that?" Their answer comes from Stoicism, a school of philosophy that, in Takura's words, teaches us "to embrace what we can't change and let go of the rest." Nothing in that stance requires the other person to admit anything.
When you cannot avoid someone, I would rather you aim for an acceptance you can actually live with than a forgiveness you have to perform at every family dinner. Acceptance lets you own your anger, protect yourself, and stop waiting for an apology that may never arrive. Whether forgiveness follows later is your decision, on your timeline.
If you would like to sort out which path fits your values and your faith, you can meet the therapists on our team and see who feels like a good fit.
If the person you can’t avoid is your partner, you may want someone who works with couples. Dr. Melissa Hudson, PhD, LMFT-S, of Counseling Solutions of Texas, sees couples in Frisco and Plano and by telehealth across Texas. Her post on why couples keep having the same argument explains why validating a partner doesn’t mean agreeing with them.
How do you stop replaying it between encounters?
Between encounters, the goal is to catch the replay early, feel the anger in your body without acting on it, and give it somewhere else to go.
The replay is the mental rerun of the original injury: the words, the look, the unfairness, played again on the drive home or late at night. Rumination is the clinical word for it, meaning the habit of going over a hurt again and again. When the person stays in your life, each Monday meeting or custody handoff can restart the loop. Try these practices in the hours after you see them:
- Notice where the anger sits in your body, and notice the intense thoughts that come with it.
- Choose not to act from it. Say to yourself, "I'm going to feel this instead," and let the feeling move through.
- Ask what sits underneath: grief, loss, fear or a sense of injustice.
- Give the replay somewhere to go, such as making something or doing something useful for someone else, instead of another round of talking it over.
- Close the day before sleep. You can go to bed upset and still decide not to fall asleep rehearsing the hurt.
The first two practices come from a short teaching video on Gary Zukav's YouTube channel. The speaker admits that letting go of anger is not an easy fix, and says you cannot stop the feelings from coming up, but you can choose whether to act on them. Each time you stop mid-replay, that angry part of you gets fed a little less.
The third and fourth practices draw on a 2023 essay by a writer on recovery from family scapegoating abuse, who argues: "Anger isn't the core emotion. It is just a reaction to the wounds of betrayal, injustice, and hypocrisy." She suggests that creative work can break "the loop of constantly talking about and thinking about your pains," and says contributing to others has had the greatest impact of the strategies she has seen. She also expects anger to return as new injustices come to light. A flare after progress is part of the process, not a reset.
The fifth practice borrows from a sermon on the verse "in your anger do not sin." The pastor described a rule in his own marriage: you may go to bed mad, but you do not go to sleep mad. His larger point was that "being offended is inevitable but living offended is a choice." You do not need to share that faith to use a nightly stopping point.
Practices built on choosing not to act lean heavily on willpower, and willpower runs thin when you are exhausted or the hurt is fresh. That is a reason to pair them with support, not to drop them.
In 2015, researchers led by Mayumi Okuda at the New York State Psychiatric Institute analyzed a national U.S. survey and found that 7.8% of adults had inappropriate, intense, or poorly controlled anger, counted only when it troubled them or caused problems. Their follow-up question works as a gentle self-check: "did this ever trouble you or cause problems at work or school, or with your family or other people?" The same study linked this kind of anger with decreased psychosocial functioning, meaning more difficulty handling daily roles and relationships.
A yes is not a diagnosis. It is a signal that the replay is costing you more than it should. For body-based ways to settle in the meantime, you might start with these somatic tools you can use at home (somatic simply means related to the body), so the next time you walk into that break room, the surge has somewhere to go besides the old script.
What should you do the next time you see them?
Expect the anger to show up, let it pass through your body, and save the replay for a short, planned review later instead of carrying it all day.
The encounter with a coworker, parent or ex may last a few minutes, but the replay can run for the rest of the day. A commenter in a 2025 Reddit thread about staying angry at someone offered a rule for those hours: "Every time you notice your attention going back to it: Purposefully let it go and redirect." Before you see them again, decide where your attention will go once the conversation ends, whether that is a walk outside, a task at your desk or a call to a friend.
A 2014 review linked anger outbursts to a more than twofold rise in heart attacks in the two hours that followed, which gives you one more reason to shorten the time you spend inside each flare.
One commenter in that same 2022 r/PsychologicalTricks thread called meditation "underrated" and added, "There is power in non-engagement." I would turn that into a short, planned review after work or before bed, a set time to go over whatever bothered you so the anger and resentment have somewhere to go.
Try it once this week. Pick the evening after your next hard encounter, set a timer for 10 minutes, and let the replay run inside that window rather than across your whole night. You may notice hurt, fear or a sense of unfairness sitting under the anger as the minutes pass. When the timer ends, the replay can wait until tomorrow, and so can they.
Frequently Asked Questions
What else do people ask about letting go of anger at someone they still see?
Common questions include whether the anger is wrong, what it costs your body, and how to get support when the replay will not quiet down.
Is it wrong to be angry at a family member?
No. Anger is a normal emotion, and even one 2022 church message on Ephesians 4:26 argued that the verse "implies the fact that it must not be a sin to be angry." I would add that what matters more is what the anger turns into when it is replayed for months.
Can staying angry at someone affect your physical health?
It can. Public health guidance lists increased anxiety, high blood pressure and headache among the long-term effects of uncontrolled anger, along with digestion problems such as abdominal pain and skin problems such as eczema. Those effects make the replay a health matter, not only a relationship one.
Should I change seats to get away from a coworker who angers me?
It may help. If your workplace allows it, asking for a different seat or office can reduce how close you sit to the person. I think of that as relief, not a cure. The replay still rides home with you, which is why the practices between encounters matter.
What if a coworker's behavior crosses into harassment?
Then it is no longer only about your anger. Harassment is a matter to take to HR, and a written record of what happens can support your report. Working on the replay and protecting yourself at work can happen side by side.
How much does counseling cost, and do you take insurance?
A session with a licensed counselor is $165, with a $185 first session that runs 75 minutes, and an associate counselor session is $125, with a $150 first session. A Walk & Talk session is $200. Many of our therapists take Aetna, Ascension, Blue Cross Blue Shield, Cigna / Evernorth, Curative and Sana. Call 469-238-2686 and we can tell you about your specific plan, and if we cannot accommodate you, we refer you to community partners that take your insurance.
How soon can I see someone, and can I meet online?
Most weeks, we can see you within seven days, sometimes sooner. We offer in-person counseling in Frisco, telehealth (therapy by video) across Texas, and walk-and-talk and nature-based therapy at Arbor Hills in Plano. Our team offers a free consultation so you can see whether we are a good therapeutic match, and you can call our office at 469-238-2686 to get started directly.
What if the anger comes with thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else?
Please reach out right away. Call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any hour. Anger that has reached that point deserves immediate support from a person, not a breathing exercise done alone.
Written by
Bonnie King
PhD, LPC-S, CSC
Bonnie King, PhD, LPC-S, CSC, has practiced as a counselor since 2010, working with children, adults, and teens with a variety of mental health concerns, including trauma, mood disorders, and specific concerns related to LGBTQ+ marginalization.
Connect on LinkedIn
