When Trauma Chooses for Us: How Our Past Shapes Relationships (and What We Can Do About It)
Have you ever found yourself wondering why you keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships, despite your best intentions to choose differently? You’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Trauma has a way of quietly shaping how we connect, how we communicate, and how safe we feel in closeness.
People who’ve experienced trauma—especially in early relationships—often carry nervous systems that are more reactive, more protective, and less tolerant of stress. This isn’t a character flaw; it’s survival. Our bodies learn quickly how to keep us safe. Maybe it meant staying small to avoid a parent’s anger, fleeing emotional confrontation, or even fighting to defend yourself in chaos. These coping strategies are brilliant in the moment—but they can become roadblocks in adult relationships.
Clients often tell me how suddenly and unpredictably they “flip their lid.” One moment they’re calm; the next, they're overwhelmed—shutting down, fawning, yelling, or disappearing. The shift can be so fast, it happens before they even realize it’s happening. And when that’s happening on both sides of a partnership or friendship, conflict gets even harder to navigate.
Here’s the kicker: Many people with trauma histories find themselves drawn to what feels familiar, even if it’s painful. A calm, steady partner may feel confusing—or even boring—because chaos is what the body has learned to expect. Stability, to someone with unresolved trauma, might feel too foreign to trust.
It’s not uncommon to hear someone say, “I don’t understand why I chose this person again,” or “Why do healthy relationships feel uncomfortable?” The answer often lies in the nervous system’s deep, unconscious search for what feels like home. Even if home was unpredictable, stressful, or unsafe, it’s what the body knows. And when we meet someone who mirrors our pain, it can feel like understanding… but not always safety.
So, what can we do? How do we break the cycle?
Here are a few starting points that can help:
1. Get to Know Your Nervous System
Begin learning your stress responses: Do you tend to shut down (freeze), people-please (fawn), lash out (fight), or withdraw (flight)? Understanding these can help you pause before reacting—and start choosing differently.
2. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding
Daily practices like mindful breathing, body scans, or movement (like yoga or walking) can widen your window of tolerance—the zone where your body feels safe enough to stay present, even in discomfort.
3. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Therapy isn’t about blaming your past; it’s about reclaiming your present. A good therapist can help you identify unconscious patterns, offer tools for regulation, and support you in choosing relationships that align with your values—not your trauma.
4. Watch Out for What Feels “Boring”
Sometimes what feels boring is actually calm. If you find yourself uninterested in someone who is safe, kind, and consistent, get curious about why. What might your nervous system be expecting instead?
5. If You’re in a Relationship Now…
It’s not hopeless if you’re already partnered and noticing these patterns. Healing is possible—together. If both people are willing to work on communication, manage their triggers, and grow in self-awareness, the relationship can shift into something healing, connected, and resilient.
Healing isn’t linear, and it's never too late to start. The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be aware, to be curious, and to choose connection over protection when it's safe to do so. When you start healing your nervous system, your relationships begin to change, too. You’ll find yourself drawn to peace, not chaos. Safety, not struggle. Love, not survival.
And if you're looking for a guide on this journey—whether through therapy, tools, or just someone to walk beside you—we’re here. Drop us a line at bonnie@counselnature.com. You don’t have to do this alone.
